Honor Ralph

In the past 5 days I've cried soft cries, uncontrollable chest and belly cries, tear-less cries, tear filled snot nosed cries. I have gotten to the point where I am not constantly crying but I am most vulnerable to my thoughts when I am driving alone or when I lay in bed at night. I am still fearful that I won't see my Ralph again. I ask for signs from him and I've actually felt his presence which has brought me a some comfort. Friday afternoon when I drove my usual route home from work which I had for years, I was crying and saying out loud "I miss you Ralph" I looked to my left and saw a waving flag that said "HAPPY" with a paw print on it, there was a dog groomers that for all these years I had never noticed. Why did I notice the words "happy" with a paw print at this very moment? I felt like he was speaking to me, telling me he wanted me to be happy. To every dog lover to has reached out to me I appreciate your words. Nothing takes the pain away but it does mean something that you cared to send me thoughts. Here is to the journey in healing after losing my soulmate best furry friend. To anyone who ever saw us in person, you would see how deep our love ran and that we had a connection unlike any other. Love has no boundary between species and I believe he truly was a great love of my life which I never knew was possible. I say "a" love because I have many loves of my life all unique and all great to me. Before Ralph I did not even know dogs were so intelligent and capable of reading us and loving us back as much as we love them.

My mother looked at me with great concern last night said "honor Ralph by loving yourself as much as you loved him" because he would want that for you. I think I will try to write down as many memories of Ralph as I can but I will move it to the blog I had started dedicated to him which I never really got started. His passing has inspired me to recollect all the amazing and even challenging times. Now that I am older and also now that I have 2 children I am extremely busy taking care of them but my memory is not as strong. So I want to preserve what I can in writing. Head on over to the blog he is loved for future posts.

It was my mother who suggested I get a pet when living alone in San Diego. My friend Kevin and I decided to drive around to animals shelters on a Sunday afternoon. We took his gold/bronze Infinity and I believe our first stop was Escondido Humane Society. I did not see any dogs that I wanted to meet and in fact the person we spoke with kind of snickers at me that I would not find a small dog at a shelter. I was not feeling too hopeful when we left but we then headed to Helen Woodward Animal Shelter in Rancho Santa Fe. We signed in and walked through. I was only casually looking as I was not sure I was ready for the commitment of a pet. We did a round of the area where the dogs are kept. I had my eye one 2 dogs, Angie and Spirit. I did a meet and greet with Angie first who was a really friendly lovable pup. I think met Ralph was seemed aloof and more interested in escaping the room. Kevin was saying Angie was much more friendly but there was just something about Ralph that pulled me. Being a very indecisive person I kept thinking about how my house was my prepared for a dog nor had I any knowledge of caring for a dog plus I had not even studied for the final that I had the next day. I asked if I could place a hold on Ralph and they said they don't take holds. I took the leap of faith and filled out the paperwork. The person working in the office had to make an international phone call to my parents because they own the house to see if they are allowing a dog on their property. Thankfully because of the time difference my mother was just waking up in Hong Kong and was there to answer their phone call. She said of course and Spirit was officially mine on paper. After filling out the paperwork I went around their shop and bought him a bed, a collar and some food. Someone then brought that shy little pup out to me and to my surprise he jumped into my arms! Everyone in the office said that he knew he was coming home with me. He seemed so curious on the ride home in the backseat looking out the window. 

In Loving Memory of Ralph with me from November 23 2003 to August 7 2018

Foreword - I lost my dear sweet Ralph who was a long hair chihuahua and companion of 15 years. I feel an extreme void in my soul. I have not been able to rest since it happened on August 7th 2018 at 4:30 PM. My body is completely exhausted but every time I fall asleep I wake up with my heart racing and my chest and head pounding with any kind of thoughts of Ralph. Disbelief that he is gone. Did he know how much I loved him? Will I really see him again in heaven? Did I spend enough time with him (now that I have children)? Did I let him be in pain too long because I wanted more time with him? I have found a wonderful group on facebook called "The Rainbow Bridge Pet Loss and Grief Support" group and I highly recommend joining if you need to let out your sorrow to other people who are going through the same thing.

This blog is now about helping me heal. My mother suggested that I write down memories and thoughts about Ralph so that I will never forget. Wish me luck on my journey to healing! I feel at this very moment that I'll never feel normal again but a tiny voice inside gives me hope that I will some day be okay.

Here is the facebook post I wrote soon after saying good bye to him. It is honest and raw but also censored because I knew there was no way that people who have never loved a dog would understand my pain. So here was my simple reflection on the life we lived together (but inside my head is a much longer version that I will attempt to capture for myself) Along with this post I included the very first photo I took of him, a photo that captured his and my connection we had pure love and understanding like nothing I've ever experience and finally a photo that captured his essence and spirit when he was at his prime.

My sweetest little young master Ralph. I remember meeting you as Spirit at Helen Woodward Animal Center. You were skeptical and not making eye contact but when I came back after signing adoption papers you immediately jumped into my arms. That first night I brought you back home back in November 2003 we looked at each other and didn’t know what to do next. I never had a pup before and you never had a person before so there our adventure began. Thank you for the 15 years you’ve blessed my life. There are just too many things to list that I’ll miss about you. You were the best dog a girl could ask for and I will always have a place in my heart where you live. See you again some day but for now you’ll be at rainbow bridge

Survivor S29: Episode 2 thoughts

The highlight of my reality TV week has been watching Mona or shall I call her Janell Parrish on her week 3 West Side Story Dancing With The Stars routine. Mona

Onto Survivor, this season has started out with a bang!

Was it just me or did we all want to shield our eyes and cringe when we saw the guys doing push ups and puffing their chests? And why on earth Jon Misch thinks it was smart that he confess to the world it may have been him who lost the flint? Some of these guys are so lucky their tribe has not lost immunity yet.

Val acting like she had two idols was moronic. Please girl, you are not fooling anyone. Besides if she really still had two idols and dumb enough not to play one during the first round of votes, one would logically vote her off to at least push out the person with possibly two idols.

EM Haul from 2015